I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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