between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
