if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
