Do you still have your period?
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
