My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
