dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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