guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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