i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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