worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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