Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
