I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
