No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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