so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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