life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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