i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
