I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
