She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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