When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Randomize
