yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
At least life still wants to fuck me.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
