Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
