I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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