at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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