Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Randomize
