It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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