I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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