I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
God gave him joint rollers for hands
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Randomize
