i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
