No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
