I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
