if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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