Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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