if you like me you must not know who I am
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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