you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Randomize
