It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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