wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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