The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
