My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
