our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
