when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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