It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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