She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
