I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
