I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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