Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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