On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Randomize
