Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
