The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Randomize
