i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
