I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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