Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
